We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
