bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
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Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
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Do you remember whose house we're in?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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