my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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