First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
