he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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