the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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