I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
