I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
