i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
