Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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