ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
