The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
