im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
