If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
