Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
