my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
