All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
