At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
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