shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
