3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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