If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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