Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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