We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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