What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The Olympian is in my bed
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
