I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My bed smells like the plague
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
