Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Will exercising make me less horny?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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