so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
