I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
