i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
