First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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