i would punch a child for taco bell
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
