If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
