i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
did i walk over a car last night?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
