I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
