Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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