she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
tell me about the fingering
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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