she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
