My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
