come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just invented taco cereal.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
