Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
