Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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