I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I am mentally ready for anal.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
