Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
