Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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