You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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