After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
