You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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