god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
