I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
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There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
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A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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