I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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