The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
