you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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