the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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