just tell him i said nine months
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
