Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
