Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
