i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
