you have to choose: penises or morals?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
