Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
