the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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