she was so not down for the gang bang
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
