Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
