Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
