When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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